What Makes a Dick Pic Acceptable? “Euphoria” Has the Answer.

by Lester Fabian Brathwaite

2h ago

Euphoria is a queer fantasia. Aside from being visually stunning, with characters and story lines that casually blur the line between sexual and gender identities—plus, the occasional gay fanfic animé—the HBO drama is simply awash in cock.

After last week’s locker room penis orgy, Euphoria returned with a cheeky tutorial on the bread and butter of cell phone data usage: the dick pic.

Jules (Hunter Schafer) is in a hot and heavy sexting affair with the mysterious “Tyler,” a.k.a. “ShyGuy118,” a guy she met on a gay dating app. Non-spoiler alert: It’s penis-averse football captain Nate (Jacob Elordi).

She doesn’t know her Grindr crush is Nate, with whom she has clashed violently before, but we’re led to believe that he knows what he’s doing—though his intentions are unclear.

This is bound to get messy and complicated (but hopefully not deadly) for a number of reasons that we won’t spoil for you here.

But back to that dick pic. In the middle of all this heavy, psychosexual teen drama, Jules asks her BFF, Rue (national treasure Zendaya), if she wants to see this Tyler’s junk. Of course, that’s not even really a question since the answer is always a resounding “YASS!”

Rue is not sufficiently impressed.

Though Jules insists that it is indeed “an objectively big dick”—”huge” even—Rue begs to differ, noting that there’s no context.

“We can’t really tell ’cause it’s just fucking floating in space.”

Now, some dicks are objectively big, but regardless of size, several factors exist that are subjective. And that’s where Rue goes into the do’s, don’t’s, and dongs of dick pics in one of the show’s quirky surreal moments.

Clad in a burgundy jumpsuit (because why not and thank you), she explains that there are two kinds of dick pics: solicited and unsolicited.

“Solicited makes up about 1 percent of all dick pics sent and received,” Rue says, perhaps overestimating that percentage. “But within that 1 percent there are three categories:”

“Terrifying, horrifying, and acceptable.”

According to Professor Rue, “horrifying” is to “terrifying” as “a basic hygiene issue” is to “a life-or-death situation.”

Some of the examples she uses: A dick pic with uncapped deodorant touching the floor is terrifying, while one with a “jug of lotion” is horrifying; dirty fingernails are horrifying, while a medieval sword is “run-for-your-fucking-life terrifying.”

These distinctions seem trite at best, but what makes for the ever-elusive “acceptable” dick pic?

Like with nearly everything, context is key. As is lighting, cleanliness, and grooming. May you all take this information, internalize it, live with it, vacation with it, and apply it in your daily lives.